Flying is starting to get on my nerves lately. Don’t get me wrong, airports provide some of the best people-watching opportunities outside Las Vegas – today I saw a significantly overweight woman with green hair and a nose ring bursting out of a tank top that said “Do Epic Sh*t”, but without the asterisk; Classy! Read on to see what happened THIS time
Sometimes – more so as I age – I’ll find myself lying awake at night, worrying about life and the world, and what kind of future my children will have. Occasionally I’ll even bolt up in the middle of the night, paralyzed by some horrible thought; like terrorists getting nuclear weapons, or any of the current presidential hopefuls actually being elected, or the fact that we’ve nearly depleted our supply of unique and delicious pastry flavors. THESE ARE REAL PROBLEMS, PEOPLE!
So I’ve spent a lot of time on Zillow lately. A lot. Like enough time to be considered unhealthy. “Common law marriage” kind of durations. Homelessness is fast approaching
Those of you who travel for a living will no doubt understand the appeal of abandoning the office and heading out into the world to see new places and meet new people, all while separated from both your families – and often your luggage – by many hundreds of miles. Up, up, and away!
It’s 8:30pm on a Thursday, and I’m at Home Depot, hunting for a wax ring with the frantic lunacy of someone who’s been forced into an unexpected home repair project. You never see it coming…
Ladies and gentlemen, I am a creature of habit – which is not to say I’m a stick in the mud – I simply believe there’s a single right way to do everything, and I like it when those things are done on schedule. Deviation will not be tolerated!
Four days ago, my wife left me alone with our son for the first time in our lives. He’s two, and apparently still can’t take care of himself. Also, he’s certifiably insane. And loud. And somehow always sticky. There was good reason to avoid leaving me in charge for so long, but she needed a vacation, and it was time. I pray she comes back. The following are my personal accounts of the weekend’s events, recorded in case one or both of us doesn’t survive. Will they make it?!
This year for Valentine’s Day, I got a wild hair and decided to make a grand romantic gesture for my wife, thereby making all the other husbands in the area look like chumps. Read on to learn about the dangers of outdoing yourself
I don’t want to sound like a prissy snoot-bag, but I fancy myself a bit of wine drinker. It wasn’t easy to get to this point, as I typically prefer drinks with high sugar and umbrella content, but my (now) wife and I went to great lengths to develop a taste for the stuff in college. This meant spending what little money I had on lavish dates at expensive restaurants, choking down glasses of wine of that neither of us were especially fond of – often fighting back what we still refer to as our “wine faces” – while politely assuring one another that it was “very good,” and making up the best descriptions we could think of to help hide our disgust, some of which can be seen in the following examples: Continue reading
This may very well be my final blog post; in fact, these are typically queued a few weeks in advance, so there’s a good chance I’ll already be dead by the time you read this. Click here to cross the great divide!