So I’ve spent a lot of time on Zillow lately. A lot. Like enough time to be considered unhealthy. “Common law marriage” kind of durations. Unfortunately, my wife and I have still had no luck finding acceptable homes in our price range and preferred areas, and now our buyers have asked to move up the closing date by a week and a half! We’ve chosen to deal with the stress of this situation by looking at the same houses night after night, trying to convince ourselves that they’re not as bad as they seem, and that maybe we should just go buy one of them…and also by arguing. Around 10:30 every night we have the same conversation:
Wife: “What about the home over on Stoneridgeshire Court?”
Me: “You mean the one with the electrical substation and high voltage pole smack in the middle of the yard?”
Wife: “Yeah – I mean sure, the foundation is collapsing, and there’s dog poop (we only hope it’s from a dog) ground into most of the carpets, but it has a deck that’s still stable in some areas!”
Me: “True, and we might cut down on heating costs due to the constant microwaves emanating from that power station…”
Eventually we’ll talk ourselves out of those homes again, but then – utterly depressed – we say, “What if we looked just a little above our price range?” At which point we see all SORTS of great houses, which is torture, because again, they’re just out of reach. We’re slowly coming to the sad realization that we may not be able to afford everything we want, and might need to pare back our list of requirements a bit (so long indoor tennis court, and goodbye voice activated home controls!), but having never been big on compromise, and having always been willing to work the system for personal gain, I decided this weekend to start a GoFundMe campaign! I did this mostly because I thought it was hilarious, and partly because my wife was adamantly against it, which also made me giggle.
(Find it here: gofundme.com/2dey3abw )
GoFundMe, in case you’re unfamiliar with it, is a crowdfunding site that allows users to post and receive funding for all sorts of personal endeavors, such as trips abroad, required car repairs, or – as an example of a more successful campaign – breast implants. This funding comes from random strangers on the internet who feel a connection with your cause and want to help out – people that are commonly referred to as ‘philanthropists’ – and from what I hear, there’s a philanthropist born every minute, so I’m liking my chances! If you know of anyone who likes to exchange money for intangibles such as ‘good karma’, or ‘warm fuzzy feelings’, be sure to send them to my page today! I promise to greatly enjoy their money – and if they call now and donate at or above the $100 level, I’m prepared to name part of my eventual new home after them; for example, I may be storing my pots on the Martin P. Dinglemeyer Lazy Susan, or channeling rainfall from my roof via the Sharon M. Grumbleman Downspouts! Think of the pride these donors will feel as they brag to their friends and neighbors about their acts of selfless altruism! After all, that’s what giving is all about!
And yet my wife would seek to deny these generous people the personal satisfaction garnered from helping out their fellow man! I’m not even sure WHY she’s against it, really – she just keeps giving me the standard boilerplate complaints; “I don’t want you exploiting our child for money”, “You are NOT painting my belly!”, and the classic, “You’re an idiot.” However, these strike me as pretty broad and generic, and until she opens up and gives me actual specifics, I find it difficult to take her reservations seriously – especially when this is such a great idea!