Well folks, we did it; together we made it through an entire year of random online ramblings. WordPress just notified me that it’s my one year anniversary this week! We’re 37 posts in and, while things have slowed a little, I think it’s still coming along nicely. We’ve covered a lot of hard-hitting topics in that time; children drinking fancy coffee, frozen Canadian stones, men dancing in leather pants, and most importantly, Pop-Tarts. We’ve been all over the map, and thankfully managed to avoid politics almost completely – in fact, that’s what I’m doing right now; hiding in the basement while the first debate of the insufferable dimwits infects my beautiful television upstairs. I half expect to emerge in an hour to find my wife unresponsive and drooling on herself, her brain completely dissolved by the mindless rhetoric of the morons running for office this fall. But I digress, and will move on for fear of saying something that will land me in a labor camp when our next fuhrer is elected. However, in the spirit of rising above the jackwagons on the debate stage, I’d like to use today’s post to talk about honesty, and admit a mistake for which I would like to humbly apologize. It turns out that – through all of my musings, with their ridiculous claims, juvenile jokes, and poorly researched “facts” – I still hadn’t been forced to retract a single word…until now. Sad that it has to be on my blog’s birthday…my “Blogday”, if you will…but if you think about it, a year is a pretty good record for a guy that spends most of his life walking around with his foot in his mouth (there are frequently tooth marks on my toes), relying on only quick wit and waning cuteness to wiggle his way out of trouble. At any rate, this time it caught up with me, so I have asked that the following retraction be placed in the print versions of both the Wall Street Journal and USA Today, because that way I’ll get credit for the apology without anyone ever actually seeing it. Plus I can only assume this piece will be buried in with the horoscopes or agricultural news – I wanted to put it next to Dilbert, but you would not BELIEVE what they charge for that spot!
In the past I have occasionally been forced to admit that I was wrong. It doesn’t happen often, and I don’t like it, but in this case I felt that I owed it to my reading public, and the good people at Kellogg’s Pop Tarts WHO – while they completely missed the mark on their Maple-Bacon flavor – have redeemed themselves 100% with their latest offerings, which I did not see coming. Back in “Pop Goes My Tart”, I said that the then upcoming flavors of “Orange Crush” and “Root Beer” sounded “fundamentally unappealing” – and while I stand by that assertion, these two flavors are actually much better than they sound. I also said I was “stocking up on sandpaper for my tongue” to remove the likely deplorable flavor of these tarts from my tastebuds in the most expeditious manner possible, but I am here today to tell you that I am a changed man; just like a Monkey, I have been made a believer in at least the Orange Crush Pop Tarts, and wish to retract my earlier snarkiness.
Something amazing happened when I tried these – like the cover of a church bulletin, the skies opened and a beam of light shone down upon me brightly as I opened my test box earlier this week. At first I was unable to hear the faint singing of angels over the sneers of disgust echoing around in my brain. “Seriously?! ORANGE CRUSH??!! What kind of MORON…” but then I opened the package, and the sweet smell of orange hit me in the face like a sunshiny flood of vitamin C. It was a pleasant aroma, not overly powerful, which is fortunate, because they easily could’ve made this taste and smell like Goo-Gone – it’s a delicate balance with artificial flavors…The next thing you notice is the bright orange color, which I love! My feeling has always been, “The brighter the neon, the better the food.” Relevant examples include: Fruit Snacks, Kool-Aid, Laffy Taffy – the list goes on. Anyway, I tried the first one untoasted, and it was wonderful. It was soft and moist and tasted like candy. The orange was just right – they completely nailed Orange Crush – all that was missing was the carbonation (coming next year). They’re equally as good toasted – with or without butter in fact, and you KNOW how big I am on butter! Overall, I found these to be fresh and bright and fruity, and a great addition to the flavor line up. This unexpected home run gave me higher hopes for the Root Beer flavor, though having never been a fan of root beer flavoring, I maintained a cautious optimism. Out of the bag, the tarts did smell a little like root beer barrels, but also had a hint of chocolate. The flavor was mostly the same both toasted and untoasted – a subtle hint of root beer along with a light creaminess from the frosting. I was pleasantly surprised – while certainly less spectacular, they really weren’t bad, and I will be happy to finish both of these boxes! So in conclusion, I humbly apologize for my haste in judgement, and for waffling on your tarts, (which sounds kind of dirty, but I SWEAR isn’t) – but assure you that it will happen again, as it’s kind of the whole point of this blog. For now, though, I tip my hat to you, Kelloggs – your tasting department has indeed “still got it” – and I look tentatively forward to your next limited edition flavor concoctions! Speaking of ‘waffling on tarts’, how about a Belgian Waffle flavored poptart? Maybe with a syrup stripe in the frosting?! I’ll give you that one for free – now WOW ME!
#kelloggsus #kelloggcompany #kelloggpoptarts