Eat like a MAN

Alright, that’s it; I’ve had enough.  The health-food hippies have gone too far.  What started as a fringe movement for mostly lunatics has now permeated every facet of our grocery-buying experience, and has to be stopped.  They weaseled their way into my produce aisle with their meaningless “organic” stickers, and I just ignored them.  Then they pushed into the meat section, and again, I turned a blind eye.  I even remained calm when they showed up in my dairy cabinet, but they’ve gone too far now, and it cannot be tolerated.  There must be limits – some things must remain sacred – and you do NOT mess with my BBQ sauce.

bbq sauce BBQ sauce, in my opinion – and yours too, unless you’re wrong – is God’s condiment.  Its delicate balance of sweetness, spice, and smoke is both delicious and extremely versatile, allowing it to compliment not only meats, but also pizza, fries, omelets, vegetables, certain breakfast cereals, and even the occasional salad – especially when paired with another of Heaven’s finest gifts: fried onion strings.  Given the choice between finding the Fountain of Youth and the Fountain of Perfect BBQ Sauce, I would happily choose the latter and die sticky and blissfully content – likely of a massive heart attack.

Top 10 listImagine my disgust then, when I came upon the above bottle of “organic” BBQ sauce while racing through the grocery store last weekend!  This was shocking to me for several reasons, the most obvious being that BBQ sauce is not – to my knowledge – ever alive per se, nor is it grown from little BBQ seeds.  One wonders then, which definition of the word “organic” it could possibly fulfill to have earned this title?

Organic: adjective

1.Noting or pertaining to a class of chemical compounds that formerly comprised only those existing in or derived from plants or animals, but that now includes all other compounds of carbon.

2.Characteristic of, pertaining to, or derived from living organisms

3.Of or relating to an organ or the organs of an animal, plant, or fungus.

4.Of, relating to, or affecting living tissue:

I suppose it is made up of carbon compounds, but then, so is all other BBQ sauce, which means that – you guessed it – the “Organic” label is at best misleading and, more honestly, a load of meaningless crap.   I suspect this is the case with the majority of our current “healthy” eating trends, but don’t let the health food nuts hear you say that, or their granola-based brains might just explode on the spot!  Now before people go crazy and start sending me emails like:

“Dear Dan,

You are an idiot, and ugly, and might as well be cooking with arsenic.  I have allergies that would require me to endure a shot of the sort that John Travolta gave Uma Therman in Pulp Fiction if I so much as sense dairy products in my immediate zipcode, and therefore need these specialty foods to survive.  Maybe you should do some research before spouting off in a public forum like a fat, uneducated tree-slug.”

Let me just say that I understand the need for dairy/nut/gluten/flavor/etc-free foods, and have gone to great lengths to exclude them from this particular complaint.  However, I did not get into the humor blogging business to do ‘research,’ so much as I did to rant incoherently to the masses while inventing any supporting information required to justify my arguments on the spot.  I looked into turning that into a normal career with health insurance and whatnot, but MSNBC wasn’t hiring at the time.

Anyway, I would like to take a moment to look at how this movement has invaded our stores over the last few years and led to this BBQ atrocity.  People have gone absolutely crazy for ‘natural’ or ‘organic’ foods nowadays.  Not to mention meats that are “antibiotic free,” “hormone free,” “cage free,” and “free range”  – which means that farmers are now being forced to deal with herds of unhealthy metrosexual cattle out roaming the countryside, spreading diseases and looking lost.  Not to mention chickens that are essentially fox bait – as if a chicken knows the difference between life in a cage and life roaming the farmyard – I’ve never understood why we’re concerned about the happiness of an unfriendly bird that’s dumb enough to drown itself in the rain.  We’re just going to kill, pluck, rend, and cook them anyway!  I actually prefer my chickens caged – you can really taste the desperation.  I also like to look for the “Occasionally Abused” sticker on my poultry, because I find that a periodically flogged chicken is much more tender than one that has been out roaming the wild “finding itself,” as if it were a wayward teenager avoiding college by traipsing around Europe in an effort to contract as many venereal diseases as possible before their parents run out of money and put an end to their “learning” session.  You may call this callous, but I have met many of the delicious animals that we eat in person, and I am not terribly impressed.

And the problem is growing.  There seem to be more crazy doomsdayers out there all the time, and they’re getting louder; from the fairly attractive, but scientifically inept “Food Babe,”(who has been frequently discredited by actual science – but don’t let that stop you from buying into her hysteria!) to Michelle Obama and her meager cardboard school lunches, someone is constantly warning you that eating will kill you.  Is that corn genetically modified?  AAAAIIIEEEE!  That means the plant has been cross bred specifically to produce more ears!  And that it may display a natural resistance to certain diseases or bugs!  THE HORROR!  And in case you’ve been living underground in fear of GMOs and hadn’t heard, meat causes cancer now too – and the concentration of carcinogens is directly proportional to the deliciousness!  This is indeed disturbing news – until you consider that air will give you cancer if you breath it for long enough, and I’d rather keel over dead on a plate of ribs at 80 than live to be 120 by eating carrots and kale.  At some point, our lifespan is really long enough, which is why I wholeheartedly support a second growing trend that I will refer to here as the “Gluttony Movement.”

This movement is gaining equal attention on the opposite end of the spectrum155029_646784741364_188281_n – its main tenant being to jam as many calories, fat grams, and cholesterol globules as humanly possible into a single dish.  This is often accomplished by stuffing things into other things, wrapping everyday foods in bacon, and/or deep frying.  The REALLY good dishes utilize all three of these tactics.  This movement was pioneered by the likes of Epic Meal Time, John Madden and his ‘Turducken’, and brilliant state fair vendors all across the nation.  I salute these brave Americans – and possibly Canadians in the case of Epic Mealtime – for without them, such delectable inventions as the Cherpumplebacon explosion bacon explosion(“Taste the cancer!”),
and Hardees Thickburgers may never have been possible!  So sure, we may be getting fatter, and sure, we may not be as healthy as the Japanese, or as long-lived as the Greeks, or even as pretentious as the French, but by God, we’re innovators!  We think big!  We dream big!  So it stands to reason that we also are big! Like goldfish in an enormous pond, we’ve expanded to fill this great nation.  And if you’ll stand with me and do your part to put a lid on all the natural-organic-non-gmo-tree-bark-eating weenies out there, we can wheeze our way into new nations, making them great as well!  And more importantly, we can take back our grocery stores!  So grab your forks, charge up your pacemakers, and follow me, because we have a lot of work to do!  Oh, and remember to pick up some real BBQ sauce along the way, because that bacon explosion recipe calls for quite a bit.

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