Four days ago, my wife left me alone with our son for the first time in our lives. He’s two, and apparently still can’t take care of himself. Also, he’s certifiably insane. And loud. And somehow always sticky. There was good reason to avoid leaving me in charge for so long, but she needed a vacation, and it was time. I pray she comes back. The following are my personal accounts of the weekend’s events, recorded in case one or both of us doesn’t survive. Will they make it?!